Michal's Tefillin

Alexandra von Strauss is here to solve all your problems in her inimitable style. No matter how trivial your problem is,  Alexandra is ready to dispense the advice you need to hear.

Dear Alexandra,

I no longer feel like I am in control of my life. Every time I turn around there is someone demanding something off me and I get little in return. I have tried therapy but I still have all the chutzpah of a doormat….please help, you seem like a woman in charge of her life

sincerely

Shirly, Kiryat Yam

Dear Shirly of Kiryat Yam, or as I like to call it – that place far beyond the dark lands,

As you wisely stated, I am a woman in charge of her life. To quote the wise Liza, “I do where I like and I do whatever I please”. It’s really simple, little lady – think of your uterus as the centre of gravity – and start working from there. Start building the strength and anger from your raging vagina.
Can someone tell you what to do? Can someone use you for their benefit and give nothing back? Can people step on you on their way to the top? OBVIOUSLY!  Now, knowing that, kick their white little asses and tell them to get going, and don’t let the door hit’em where the good lord split’em!
You’re a strong woman, an independent woman, a woman who will not let others step on her! Next time, when someone demands something of you, lift your chin up and say “No! I will not do that! Alexandra told me I shouldn’t!”. When they ask who Alexandra is, give them my bank account number.

I hope I helped with something. Now, be a dear and fetch me my G&T.

Love,
Alcolexandra.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Alexandra von Strauss is here to solve all your problems in her inimitable style. No matter how trivial your problem is,  Alexandra is ready to dispense the advice you need to hear.

Dear Alexandra,

My husband has gone green – that is, he insists we recycle everything, wear only ‘clothes’ made of hemp, grow our own veggies, give up the car and take public transport. The last straw came over the weekend when he decided to cancel all our electricity supply, install solar panels (we live in Canada – go figure) and cancelled our daughter’s 18th birthday party insisting she could have it in a barn instead of a club. Neither of us can get through to him. What would you suggest?

Living in hell, Newfoundland

Dear LIH,

Living green isn’t that bad, really. It can help the environment quite a lot. Think of the planet when going shopping. For example, wouldn’t you love going on a shopping spree with PAPER bags? Now, as for your husband going completely woo-hoo – no electric appliances, eh? Well, it’s easy for him to say, leaving you around to do the dishes, the laundry and everything else manually. I suggest you give him a piece of the cake he made – and by cake, I mean cake. Just cook him a meal with no electricity, on plates you cleaned with sand (you know, detergents are BAD!), with organic food you grew on your compost (from the batch you made when you had that stomach flu, of course).  Serve it on a table cloth you washed in the river, preferably the one where all the waste goes. For dessert, offer him to go take a shower.  In that same river.  And tell your daughter that she can book the club. If he still wants a piece of nature after that, I’m paying.

Yours,
Living in Paradise.

Dear Alexandra

I hope you can help me. I am a 25 year old man who has never had a girlfriend. I laugh at all their jokes and tell them how pretty they are, but they act like I am not there. My parents think I am weird and have tried to get a shidduch to intervene, but she only sends me desperate frumps. I am quite nice looking.

thanks

Marty, California

Dear Marty,
There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re alright and you should tell your parents to get off your back. You are just gay.

All the best,
Alexandra GAYnor.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Photo by Elad David

Alexandra von Strauss is here to solve all your problems in her inimitable style. No matter how trivial your problem is,  Alexandra is ready to dispense the advice you need to hear.

Dear Alexandra,

I am always struggling to lose weight and no matter what I try, it doesn’t work. You always look so slim and glamorous, can you advise me on diet and exercise? I want to be Heidi Klum not Tracy Turnblad!

Yours,
The Hefty Hideaway

Dear Hefty Hideaway,
The struggle to lose weight is a never-ending battle for us women, burdening under the modern western culture’s ideal of beauty. Oh how I wish we could live in a place like Saudi Arabia, where a plump woman is considered a goddess. Then, maybe, people would stop chasing me for my ever-so attractive and flawless physique. You might not believe it, but I was once a heavy-weight champion. The competition was being heavy-weight, of course. When I sat down to eat once, and the chair collapsed under my enormous arse, I decided to put an end to it all. Well, not ALL, just being obese. So I went to see a personal trainer. He was hot, tanned, with a nice set of pecs, abs, biceps and other parts we like on a man. He told me I should do a very simple exercise. He told me I should move my head from side to side, rapidly. I then wondered how many times a day I should do that in order to lose weight, so he said I should do it as often as I am offered food. And anyway, darling, even if you don’t succeed in dieting, love yourself the way you are. You can still be famous. Look at Roseanne.

Dear Alexandra,

I am about to participate in a marathon. As refreshments water, Coca Cola and Gatorade are offered at alternating stations. Water and Coca Cola are kosher, but gatorade isn’t. What should I do?

sincerely,
Running in Eastern Europe

Dear Running in Eastern Europe,

I find it hard to answer your question. Not because I have no idea what Gatorade is – they don’t sell it in countries outside the third world - but because I find it difficult to understand why would one choose to run 42 kilometers out of free will. Really. I see myself running sometimes, when I’m late for a grand opening or when I know the other ladies might get all the petite-size dresses on the winter sale opening. But enough about me, back to your question. I would say if you like this Gatorade stuff, whatever this might be, and it’s not kosher, you can do one of two things – pour it into a different bottle and drink it like this, so HE won’t notice (He can’t smell it so far away), or just take a marker and write KOSHER all over the can. This is what they do anyhow, don’t they?

Good luck, hope they don’t check your chromosomes and discover you’re male!

Popularity: 16% [?]

Photo by Elad David

Alexandra von Strauss is here to solve all your problems in her inimitable style. No matter how trivial your problem is,  Alexandra is ready to dispense the advice you need to hear.

Dear Alexandra,

My boyfriend is an atheist. Marriages in Israel are conducted by the rabbinate. My boyfriend does not believe in this because they make a lot of people in this country miserable (immigrants, gays) regarding marriage. If we were to marry, my boyfriend would want to officially marry in another country and only have the ceremony in Israel, a sort of fake wedding. People often do this if they don’t have all their papers in order and don’t want to go through hell with the rabbinate. The thing is, I’d like to have one wedding, one marriage, the real thing. Here, in Israel. Who should give?

Chuppah-Lover, Tel Aviv

Dear Chuppah Lover,

Judging by your name, you’re just like the rest of us – crazed for marriage, crazed for the ceremony, and looking for Mr. Right-Size-Bank-Account to sponsor your cream-cake wedding gown and the gigantic tropical centre-pieces.

Think of the advantages of two wedding ceremonies – two gowns, two ceremonies, two guest lists, two DJs, two videos, two parties and two alcohol poisionings.

So here’s the deal – the guy wants to have a cermony outside Israel? I say, go for it. The rabbinate in Israel does give a hard time to people, only judging on rules and not really on love. We don’t need that, do we dear? You don’t want to find yourself naked in the Mikveh with a stranger checking to see if Auntie Irma is in town for the week. So go to Cyprus, or any other resort, have him pay for the 5 star hotel you need to cope with the big loss of an old schmuck wearing black selling you to your man with a piece of paper, and then go back to Israel and party like animals, with a new set of dresses, of course.

And please, I would like my room to have a view of the sea. Otherwise I will not look my best for the ceremony, and we don’t want THAT to happen, do we? And last thing, have the mini-bar re-equipped with things that will help me deal with your family.

All the best,
Frequent Flying Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,

Recently I caught my husband wearing my sheitl while doing the housework. He seemed to be enjoying himself. I am unsure how to approach him about this. Is this cross-dressing? Please help!

from Wigless In Jerusalem

Dear Wigless In Jerusalem,

First of all, I must say that I am appalled. Wearing a sheitl while doing the housework?! getting it stained by bleach, having dust all over it? But we’ll leave that for a second. I must tell you about my first husband. He used to borrow my sheitls and my dresses when I wasn’t noticing. When I first caught him, he felt very ashamed, because I was stark raving mad – his color co-ordination was shockingly horrifying.

We reached an agreement from then on – he never borrows without my permission and without me color-coordinating him. I could not have stood the look on people’s faces when my husband went out on the street wearing Fuschia and Egg-yolk-yellow, looking like a total ice-cream fashion victim.

I benefited a lot from that – being the same size, my wardrobe grew and I never heard him complain when I went shopping at Prada. I’m trying to get him to like my shoes, too, because I need a new pair of Manolo’s to match.

So, always look on the bright side of things – it doesn’t matter if your husband is or isn’t a cross-dresser. What’s important is how big his credit line is.

Choo-choo shoe,
Alexandra

If you have a pressing issue that needs Alexandra’s attention, drop her a line at alexandra@michalstefillin.com with Ask Alexandra in the subject line.

Popularity: 36% [?]